On Hating and Hurting

There haven’t been many people I’ve ever hated, but consistently I’ve hated myself, to different degrees. Rarely ever have I hated myself as much as I do currently, to the point that I have multiple daily thoughts of disappearing. Erasing myself. Ceasing to exist. Killing myself.

I haven’t tried to kill myself because I don’t want my friends and family to have to deal with that (even though sweet release is so tempting). I don’t ever want them to have to deal with an attempted (or successful) suicide again, but I am at rock bottom. I am past the bare earth and am clawing at bedrock, tearing my nails and screaming with pain.

I have a mental health assessment appointment scheduled to confirm my major depression diagnosis (I think I might be bipolar, but obviously I shouldn’t use Dr. Google to confirm), to reevaluate my medication, and to find some therapy options. The appointment was originally scheduled for mid-April, and then was moved forward to this past week, and then the day of, it was postponed because the intake counsellor was sick. Less than two more weeks, which feels like a lifetime, until the rescheduled appointment now.

I have this fucking cycle going on where I start missing the stupid Pirate, blame myself for ruining things and not going to counselling when things were getting bad in all areas of my life a year ago, and then hating myself even more for getting upset over a fucking breakup that happened more than half a year ago. Then I get mad that it’s been so long and I’m still grieving him and hate myself EVEN more for being a drag on my friends and family. I don’t want my nephew’s first memories of me to always be me crying.

In my mind, I am fully aware that just because I thought he was my forever and that we were partners who would work through everything together and that I’d liked him since I met him at 15, doesn’t mean he felt the same. Things change, people change, feelings change. I was desperately unhappy living in Vancouver. I know I’ll never be able to afford a house there, there are too many people, I hated my job, I was drinking and smoking too much pot, and on and on. I wanted a baby with him so badly, but could never explain it properly. I wanted everything with him.

I feel like I’m a failure. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate having to get out of bed in the mornings. I hate having to talk to people every day, to fake my way through another day. I hate that so much of my hurting is caused by one person’s feelings for me, and it hurts so much that I am so weak and pathetic. I hate me and being me and the fact I was ever born in the first place. I have cancelled my travelling plans because I’m so unstable. I know that things will get better, that I’ll get past this, that I am just going through a down time, that my medication will get adjusted, that I will eventually date again, but all I can think about is how I don’t belong anywhere and have no home. That I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. That I am unloved and unloveable. That I will never be satisfied and happy. That I’m going to forever blame myself and forever regret losing him. That I will forever hurt and forever hate myself.

I don’t know how I can continue living even for a few more weeks like this, let alone decades. But, I will try, even if it means just taking life one fucking painful moment after another.

Read Full Post »

Low

I’m feeling low.

Low in energy, low in sleep, low in joy, low in enthusiasm, low, low, LOW. Near the bottom low.

I started the new year with good intentions, and have so far managed to pretty much stick to them. I’m not writing as much as I wanted to be though. 

I’ve not been proactive enough in dealing with my depression the last year and a half or so. I know that. I need help, and I can’t keep putting it off and I can’t keep avoiding it. I don’t have benefits right now, since I’ve only got a temporary position with the city, which means I’m paying out of pocket for my treatment. My pills are already really expensive, now I’ll be adding the cost of a counselor and probably a gym pass on top of that.

I want so badly to go to Germany this fall, but I don’t know if it will actually be financially feasible. One of the biggest things my thoughts cycle around is money, which is true for a lot of people I’m sure. I am currently fixated on how much I will need to spend to see a counselor, instead of thinking about how awesome it will be to start working really hard towards positive changes.

I’ve found some mental health support groups that my roommate has offered to attend with me when my schedule permits, plus she’s helping me figure out my options in regards to a counselor.

I know myself well enough to know that I’m spiralling down, and if I don’t get more help soon, I’m going to be in trouble. I can’t go back to a me who cries daily, who doesn’t eat, who sleeps all the time.

I don’t want to look back at my life and only see periods of grey and black.

Read Full Post »

November

November has historically been a bad month for me. Before I took down all my archives, I have several posts from Novembers over the years, all related to the sad that I experienced in November. I don’t think it’s seasonal, exactly, as more timing. November always meant projects at school were coming due, and there were constant reminders of Christmas, which is admittedly the “holiday” that I care for the least.

I’ve had a pretty bad last month, what with finding out the ex is back together with his previous ex, and that he didn’t bother to tell me (even though I straight up asked him to, and he agreed he would) until I found out through the powers of the internet (I hate you, internet) (you hurt me real bad, Pirate. So bad I’m reconsidering all the sweet words you said to me during our romantic relationship). I managed to help piss off a friend and former coworker in Vancouver. I’ve lost my appetite and while losing some weight was on my to-do list, losing it unsafely due to depression is not how I wanted to go about it. My netbook screen has been wiggly, warning me that something is happening to it. My phone has a cracked screen (which is luckily still working), the USB connection has to be propped just so to charge the phone or transfer files, and the power button is not responding properly (it’s also the phone-lock button). I bought a plane ticket to Vancouver for 4 days in December, only to find out the next day that I had had an unpaid cell phone bill from 2011 sent to collections (I don’t even know how that happened). My work screwed up and didn’t pay me last Tuesday, and the emergency cheque they were cutting for me wasn’t going to be ready until Friday–2 days after rent was due. There was a fire in my building that saw me and the roommate’s dogs evacuated for an hour and a half, and I didn’t have a winter jacket yet (the humans I live with were out for the evening).

There have been some positives in this last month as well, that I’m trying to actively focus on. Every day that I work, I say to myself over and over that today will be a good day, as I walk to the train.

So, the things I’m grateful and inspired by right now, in no particular order:

-putting over $1000 towards debt repayment in October
-consolidating some consumer debt with a lower interest rate earlier this year, and the delight I get watching it go down every time I make additional payments
-my trip to Vancouver in 5 weeks to see my mom and step-dad, my Turkey, and various other Vancouverites (and the plan to not see my ex while I’m there)
-nearly daily emails from another former coworker encouraging me to take some time for myself to heal and adjust to a new city, a new job, a new living situation, a new life plan
-the fact that this former coworker and I are friendly-flirting, reminding me that even though the ex said some extremely painful and disparaging remarks about my attractiveness and girlness, not every guy in the world feels the same way
-we have plans to have a beer when I’m visiting, and I’m really looking forward to his quirky sense of humour
-my acceptance into the editing certificate program (sadly, the class they suggest I take next is only offered in-class, in Vancouver right now, so I’ll have to complete them out of order)
-my hilarious roommates who have made me so welcome, give me hugs or tough love when needed, eat the slop I cook, bake for me, give me rides when needed, and don’t mind when l occasionally crawl into bed with them and their dogs to cuddle (it’s a pretty full bed and I do it as a joke)
-my amazingly beautiful, smart, hilarious nephew and the fact that he’s going to be a big brother in the spring. And that his Daddy is an amazing role model of a big brother
-banana pancakes
-learning how to sew with my new sewing machine
-that my work moved as quickly as they could to cut me an emergency paycheque and gave me a coffee gift card to apologize
-the ebooks a friend gave me for my Kobo before I moved out here
-my Daddy planning to visit some weekend this month
-my new life plan of paying off debt, saving as much as possible, and going travelling in two or so years (this depends on money though)
-plans to go see Frank Warren of PostSecret, tonight (with a friend of my roommate) (it was 80 bucks last time he was in Vancouver, 35 here is affordable for me!)
-the buses in Edmonton are all running wacky because of the snow, but I only need to catch a train to work and can walk to a grocery store
-walking a dachshund in ~6 inches if snow. He bounces like a bunny!

Read Full Post »

Struggle

I struggle, even when I know it’s right.

Start the day; I want to throw up.

End the day; not so bad.

Tomorrow…can I sleep?
Face the day-no!
I can’t face the day.

*I’m having issues sleeping lately-but everything is ok

Read Full Post »

Must Remember

I am worth more than I ever think I am. The clarity of mind I have felt in the last week and a half is great. Must remember not to stress out.

Read Full Post »

Breaking Free

I feel like I’m stuck. Stuck at my job. Stuck in this city. Stuck in debt.

As much as I like the actual company I work for – great benefits, great people, great interest rates on loans, heh – the job itself is a bit soul-sucking. And I think I’m just not actually cut out for corporate culture. Business casual because of the industry I work in is all well and good, but I work in a call centre. I don’t even actually speak to my clients face to face. Who the fuck cares if I’m wearing dress pants or neat and tidy jeans?

And let’s not even get into the fact that I don’t wear make up and I’d really rather not dye my hair to cover the incoming grey hairs. Not even 28 yet and I have quite a collection of grey hairs sprouting. I have been plucking them, though. I am a little bit vain about my hair colour, I’ll admit. It’s a pretty nice shade of chestnut that can look more auburn in certain lights (I just had to wiki the differences between chestnut and auburn for hair colour!) It has really attractive, natural high- and low-lights. I don’t wear make up because I don’t feel it’s necessary; and for this I know I am lucky. I have dark lashes, naturally dark lips and a really nice complexion. These are facts, and I don’t like the idea of putting additional chemicals on my face than what is absorbed through the atmosphere around me. However, I realize this could possibly be seen as unprofessional? uncaring? unattractive? inappropriate? by many people in the corporate culture. But seriously, it doesn’t affect, nor reflect, my work.

It’s also hard to get passionate about the industry I am in. I know it is not for me, but I am also terrified of job-hunting and trying to sell myself. I don’t hold myself in high regard, so it’s hard to figure out how to convince people that they should take a chance on me and hire me.

It doesn’t help that I can’t figure out what I want to do or where I want to work.

Tuesday night, I ended my work day sobbing at my desk. 4 different people came to try to help me out with what I was doing, but I waved them all off. As soon as I left the building, I called my mom and sobbed at her, asking her why I couldn’t be normal. When I got home, I got in the shower to cry, and to think. When I got out, I told the Pirate that I was going to quit my job the next day.

Wednesday morning, I woke up so much more hopeful than I have been in weeks. I decided I would give my unofficial notice for the end of the month, because there’s currently a hiring going on. I didn’t want to leave my employers in a lurch, just doing another training session and then finding they should have hired another person. I had no idea what I would do for work, but I knew that my mental health was more important than that uncertainty. I had enough in the bank to cover another month of rent and bills, and surely I could find something, anything, to pay the bills, quickly.

My immediate manager wasn’t in on Wednesday, but I didn’t realise that right away. Shortly before 9 am, I sent an email to my department manager, asking her if we could chat. I told her that I was not in a good place, and that I needed to do something about it now. I let her know that I was leaving not because I disliked my coworkers or the company, but that I was overwhelmed with the new training I had recently received, and that I didn’t feel like I was an asset any more; I wanted to let her know now, so she could hire another person. I mentioned that my home life with my Pirate was suffering, and that was not something I could let continue.

She wouldn’t let me quit. No, that’s not quite right. She offered to reduce me to a lower-level employee, with less responsibility (and stress!), with fewer hours, because she didn’t like the thought of letting me quit without having something else lined up.

So, I’ll be cut back from 37.5 hours a week to 25.5, to maintain my benefits. My health and dental, vision, and wellness benefits will continue to be offered to me while maintaining these hours, and so will the loan at a disgustingly low interest rate I recently took out to fast-track my debt repayment. I’m going to be just pulling in enough to pay my bills and survive, but my direct manager, after speaking with her on Thursday and explaining how terribly I actually have been doing, has offered me additional hours when I need them.

I opened up to a couple of coworkers and another senior manager about what’s been going on lately, and I’m so lucky to say that I have coworkers who have extended the hand of support while I’m dealing with this latest descent to (almost) rock bottom. I have a very rough plan of what I am striving for. I have to use my extra hours a week for a reason, and not just to fuck around on the internet. I am working on a distant-ed class right now that I want to hammer out and get done. I want to get running again. I might try to find somewhere to volunteer. I am thinking of giving myself a month or so to adjust to the new work schedule and healing myself, before I start pushing and looking for a new, or additional, job.

I am more hopeful than I have been for all of 2012. I feel like the cloud that has been wrapped around me for the last number of months is loosening it’s grip, and that I am able to lift my head enough to breathe fully and deeply.

Read Full Post »