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Archive for September, 2012

Forget/Regret

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From postsecret.com

I was hoping to see The Pirate Who is No Longer Mine one more time before I moved, as I had just a couple last things I wanted to talk to him about, but I didn’t. I’d seen him twice since we broke up-so twice in 6 weeks now. I sent him an email earlier this week, to provide myself with some more closure (it’s not working yet, by the by). I thought about posting the email here, with some edits, but I’m not comfortable sharing such a personal piece of correspondence, especially since it directly involves someone other than myself (sidebar, he hasn’t responded, thought we’ve exchanged a couple text messages and a couple chat messages via the online game that I’m still helping him alpha-test).

I explained that I don’t regret very much in my life, but how I treated him is one of the things I do regret-I don’t ever mention it here, but I spent many evenings either having a couple beer or smoking pot to dull the pain and the apathy and the angst that I had been feeling. I also explained that a lot of my problems communicating with him was due to my crippling self-hatred and the fear of scaring him away.

I am so, so glad to be out of Vancouver, but I’m also so incredibly sad to be starting this next chapter of my life without him. I’m trying to treat myself as someone dealing with grief, because that’s basically what it is. I am so scared of facing life without him; thinking about the next 30-60 years without him as my partner is heartbreaking and panic-inducing. And the thought of starting another relationship with anyone else makes me want to be sick.

I hope to one day stop feeling like this, and I certainly hope it’s sooner rather than later, because I’m exhausted.

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Importation

Sorry to anybody using a reader who was just inundated with a million posts.

I’ve imported all my old LiveJournal posts here, starting from all the way back in Feb 2002. That’s over ten years that I have been online journalling, on various platforms. However, due to depression issues, no archives from 2002-2011 are publicly available at this time.

Maybe one day.

After I go through them and clean them up and remove identifying info of other people…

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I safely arrived in Edmonton at about 9:15 Sunday morning, after an epic 17 hour drive that included running out of diesel in the middle of the night 8 km out from the last town, and no sleep.

It’s my 28th birthday on the 4th, and the friends (and 2 long dogs!) I’m living with are taken me camping for 2 nights, tonight and tomorrow night. 

I’m hoping more physical distance between me and The Pirate Who is No Longer Mine will help my healing process. Definitely being closer to my brothers and their girlfriends, my beautiful nephew, and my best friend and her husband, will help ease my heartache.

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Hatred

I want to be healing instead of still grieving. Looking forward instead of back. Hoping instead of hurting. The hurting is still so overwhelming. 6 weeks later, and it still feels so fresh. Everywhere I turn, memories, reminders. Proof. Proof of my failure. Proof I can’t keep anything together or working properly. I’m not even coping-let’s be honest. I’m barely scraping by. I haven’t gone a day without crying. I hate me so, so very much.

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