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Archive for the ‘Me’ Category

I’m Worth More

When my ex and I broke up, I asked him to have the courtesy to tell me himself when he started dating again.

I found out yesterday he’s been back with his ex for at least a month now. And he’s not who told me.

I wrote a huge post last night about how hurtful I found this, but instead of publishing it, I hit private. If you want to read, I’ll email it to you, but it’s not going to be public, at least for now.

He said he didn’t tell me because what if it didn’t work out, and I got upset for nothing? And that he didn’t see the difference between me finding out right away or later. He wanted to try to salvage what was left of our friendship.

The fact that he straight up told me he’d tell me is what burns.

I emailed my post to my best friend in Vancouver for her opinions and just because I needed to share. She very sweetly came out with some observations that seem pretty bang on to me.

This guy is a serial monogamist. In the 13 years that I’ve now known him, been friends with him, he’s only been single for a total of months. He goes from girl to girl, often almost immediately, or with very short periods of time between them. Hell, we started dating 3 days after he broke up with his ex, and if that wasn’t enough of a warning for me to protect my heart, I don’t know what is.

This also led her (and I) to the impression that he is unable to be alone. How can he develop as a person if he always has a girlfriend? She also mentioned that him going from his ex to me back to his ex seems to follow a pattern, and that his not telling me seemed to indicate he was holding out in case he needed a back up plan. A back up girlfriend. If things didn’t work with them, there was always the chance of trying to get back with me eventually.

I’m sick of hurting because of this guy. I feel like he’s been lying by omission. But you know what? Fuck that. I’m making my own life, my own happiness, and I’m not going to allow myself to pine for him anymore. If he can’t respect our many years of friendship by treating my heart with decency when I ask him to do one thing, tell me one thing, if he doesn’t have the spine to be honest with me, then I’m done wasting my time and my love and my mental health on someone like that.

I’m worth more than that.

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1. I can move out of this city.
2. No more sharing the bed.
3. I can go near cats again.
4. Mom and Stepdad have a giant, comfy, bathtub.
5. I can read A Song of Ice and Fire.
6. No more leg-shaving.
7. Zombie movies.
8. Happy medium.
9. Cats. (I like cats, have I mentioned that?)
10. …Me?

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unLove

The Princess and the Pirate are no more.

She could sail canoes on her tears.

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Critic

I am my own biggest critic; this I know.

But it doesn’t make anything easier, when I feel like I’m crumbling. The world around me is crumbling. My hate, it is so strongly focused inward. I fail, again and again, so often in fact, that I don’t set goals.

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Must Remember

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I am worth more than I ever think I am. The clarity of mind I have felt in the last week and a half is great. Must remember not to stress out.

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