Archive for the ‘The Pirate’ Category

There haven’t been many people I’ve ever hated, but consistently I’ve hated myself, to different degrees. Rarely ever have I hated myself as much as I do currently, to the point that I have multiple daily thoughts of disappearing. Erasing myself. Ceasing to exist. Killing myself.

I haven’t tried to kill myself because I don’t want my friends and family to have to deal with that (even though sweet release is so tempting). I don’t ever want them to have to deal with an attempted (or successful) suicide again, but I am at rock bottom. I am past the bare earth and am clawing at bedrock, tearing my nails and screaming with pain.

I have a mental health assessment appointment scheduled to confirm my major depression diagnosis (I think I might be bipolar, but obviously I shouldn’t use Dr. Google to confirm), to reevaluate my medication, and to find some therapy options. The appointment was originally scheduled for mid-April, and then was moved forward to this past week, and then the day of, it was postponed because the intake counsellor was sick. Less than two more weeks, which feels like a lifetime, until the rescheduled appointment now.

I have this fucking cycle going on where I start missing the stupid Pirate, blame myself for ruining things and not going to counselling when things were getting bad in all areas of my life a year ago, and then hating myself even more for getting upset over a fucking breakup that happened more than half a year ago. Then I get mad that it’s been so long and I’m still grieving him and hate myself EVEN more for being a drag on my friends and family. I don’t want my nephew’s first memories of me to always be me crying.

In my mind, I am fully aware that just because I thought he was my forever and that we were partners who would work through everything together and that I’d liked him since I met him at 15, doesn’t mean he felt the same. Things change, people change, feelings change. I was desperately unhappy living in Vancouver. I know I’ll never be able to afford a house there, there are too many people, I hated my job, I was drinking and smoking too much pot, and on and on. I wanted a baby with him so badly, but could never explain it properly. I wanted everything with him.

I feel like I’m a failure. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate having to get out of bed in the mornings. I hate having to talk to people every day, to fake my way through another day. I hate that so much of my hurting is caused by one person’s feelings for me, and it hurts so much that I am so weak and pathetic. I hate me and being me and the fact I was ever born in the first place. I have cancelled my travelling plans because I’m so unstable. I know that things will get better, that I’ll get past this, that I am just going through a down time, that my medication will get adjusted, that I will eventually date again, but all I can think about is how I don’t belong anywhere and have no home. That I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. That I am unloved and unloveable. That I will never be satisfied and happy. That I’m going to forever blame myself and forever regret losing him. That I will forever hurt and forever hate myself.

I don’t know how I can continue living even for a few more weeks like this, let alone decades. But, I will try, even if it means just taking life one fucking painful moment after another.


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I’m Worth More

When my ex and I broke up, I asked him to have the courtesy to tell me himself when he started dating again.

I found out yesterday he’s been back with his ex for at least a month now. And he’s not who told me.

I wrote a huge post last night about how hurtful I found this, but instead of publishing it, I hit private. If you want to read, I’ll email it to you, but it’s not going to be public, at least for now.

He said he didn’t tell me because what if it didn’t work out, and I got upset for nothing? And that he didn’t see the difference between me finding out right away or later. He wanted to try to salvage what was left of our friendship.

The fact that he straight up told me he’d tell me is what burns.

I emailed my post to my best friend in Vancouver for her opinions and just because I needed to share. She very sweetly came out with some observations that seem pretty bang on to me.

This guy is a serial monogamist. In the 13 years that I’ve now known him, been friends with him, he’s only been single for a total of months. He goes from girl to girl, often almost immediately, or with very short periods of time between them. Hell, we started dating 3 days after he broke up with his ex, and if that wasn’t enough of a warning for me to protect my heart, I don’t know what is.

This also led her (and I) to the impression that he is unable to be alone. How can he develop as a person if he always has a girlfriend? She also mentioned that him going from his ex to me back to his ex seems to follow a pattern, and that his not telling me seemed to indicate he was holding out in case he needed a back up plan. A back up girlfriend. If things didn’t work with them, there was always the chance of trying to get back with me eventually.

I’m sick of hurting because of this guy. I feel like he’s been lying by omission. But you know what? Fuck that. I’m making my own life, my own happiness, and I’m not going to allow myself to pine for him anymore. If he can’t respect our many years of friendship by treating my heart with decency when I ask him to do one thing, tell me one thing, if he doesn’t have the spine to be honest with me, then I’m done wasting my time and my love and my mental health on someone like that.

I’m worth more than that.

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I safely arrived in Edmonton at about 9:15 Sunday morning, after an epic 17 hour drive that included running out of diesel in the middle of the night 8 km out from the last town, and no sleep.

It’s my 28th birthday on the 4th, and the friends (and 2 long dogs!) I’m living with are taken me camping for 2 nights, tonight and tomorrow night. 

I’m hoping more physical distance between me and The Pirate Who is No Longer Mine will help my healing process. Definitely being closer to my brothers and their girlfriends, my beautiful nephew, and my best friend and her husband, will help ease my heartache.

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I’ve been pretty upset lately, and not only that, I have been feeling very guilty. I know it’s inappropriate, but I hold myself nearly 100% responsible for the demise of my relationship and keep thinking “What if…” and “If only I had just…”

I can’t change the past, but hoo boy, do I wish I could.

I’m trying really hard to see this as an opportunity for myself. We’ve broken our lease, and I’m staying with my Mom and StepDad for now. I gave my notice at work. And I’m making preparations to move to Edmonton on Labour Day weekend (incidentally, this is also my birthday weekend).

I’ll be staying with my best friend and her husband (and two dogs, two skinny pigs, and hedgehog) for at least the first month, with visits at both my brothers’ houses. I’ve started looking for jobs.

I just never really expected to make the move out of this city without my Pirate, and that’s just adding a little bit extra to the heartache I’m already feeling.

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I am a sobbing mess right now.

We’d been having problems the last little while, but I thought we were dealing with them. I thought the fact that we loved each other was enough.

Apparently I haven’t tried hard enough.

And he’s done.

And I’m shattered.

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The Princess and the Pirate are no more.

She could sail canoes on her tears.

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