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Archive for the ‘Miseries’ Category

Forget/Regret

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From postsecret.com

I was hoping to see The Pirate Who is No Longer Mine one more time before I moved, as I had just a couple last things I wanted to talk to him about, but I didn’t. I’d seen him twice since we broke up-so twice in 6 weeks now. I sent him an email earlier this week, to provide myself with some more closure (it’s not working yet, by the by). I thought about posting the email here, with some edits, but I’m not comfortable sharing such a personal piece of correspondence, especially since it directly involves someone other than myself (sidebar, he hasn’t responded, thought we’ve exchanged a couple text messages and a couple chat messages via the online game that I’m still helping him alpha-test).

I explained that I don’t regret very much in my life, but how I treated him is one of the things I do regret-I don’t ever mention it here, but I spent many evenings either having a couple beer or smoking pot to dull the pain and the apathy and the angst that I had been feeling. I also explained that a lot of my problems communicating with him was due to my crippling self-hatred and the fear of scaring him away.

I am so, so glad to be out of Vancouver, but I’m also so incredibly sad to be starting this next chapter of my life without him. I’m trying to treat myself as someone dealing with grief, because that’s basically what it is. I am so scared of facing life without him; thinking about the next 30-60 years without him as my partner is heartbreaking and panic-inducing. And the thought of starting another relationship with anyone else makes me want to be sick.

I hope to one day stop feeling like this, and I certainly hope it’s sooner rather than later, because I’m exhausted.

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Ch-Ch-Changes

I’ve been pretty upset lately, and not only that, I have been feeling very guilty. I know it’s inappropriate, but I hold myself nearly 100% responsible for the demise of my relationship and keep thinking “What if…” and “If only I had just…”

I can’t change the past, but hoo boy, do I wish I could.

I’m trying really hard to see this as an opportunity for myself. We’ve broken our lease, and I’m staying with my Mom and StepDad for now. I gave my notice at work. And I’m making preparations to move to Edmonton on Labour Day weekend (incidentally, this is also my birthday weekend).

I’ll be staying with my best friend and her husband (and two dogs, two skinny pigs, and hedgehog) for at least the first month, with visits at both my brothers’ houses. I’ve started looking for jobs.

I just never really expected to make the move out of this city without my Pirate, and that’s just adding a little bit extra to the heartache I’m already feeling.

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unLove

The Princess and the Pirate are no more.

She could sail canoes on her tears.

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