Low

I’m feeling low.

Low in energy, low in sleep, low in joy, low in enthusiasm, low, low, LOW. Near the bottom low.

I started the new year with good intentions, and have so far managed to pretty much stick to them. I’m not writing as much as I wanted to be though. 

I’ve not been proactive enough in dealing with my depression the last year and a half or so. I know that. I need help, and I can’t keep putting it off and I can’t keep avoiding it. I don’t have benefits right now, since I’ve only got a temporary position with the city, which means I’m paying out of pocket for my treatment. My pills are already really expensive, now I’ll be adding the cost of a counselor and probably a gym pass on top of that.

I want so badly to go to Germany this fall, but I don’t know if it will actually be financially feasible. One of the biggest things my thoughts cycle around is money, which is true for a lot of people I’m sure. I am currently fixated on how much I will need to spend to see a counselor, instead of thinking about how awesome it will be to start working really hard towards positive changes.

I’ve found some mental health support groups that my roommate has offered to attend with me when my schedule permits, plus she’s helping me figure out my options in regards to a counselor.

I know myself well enough to know that I’m spiralling down, and if I don’t get more help soon, I’m going to be in trouble. I can’t go back to a me who cries daily, who doesn’t eat, who sleeps all the time.

I don’t want to look back at my life and only see periods of grey and black.

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An Idea

Back in the early 80s, my mom’s younger brother moved to England.  He married a German woman, and had two sons. My uncle died in 1988ish, and apart from a visit they made here around that time, I never got to know these two cousins of mine until we were grown ups. We never had the money to travel overseas like my mom’s other brother’s family, nor did they.

About 10 years ago, with the wonders of the internet and German cousins getting good jobs and being able to afford to visit, I finally met these two men and found that they were amazing. Well, obviously, they are related to me, after all.

They have been over to visit several times now, and every time, they ask me when I’m coming to see them.

I’m in a position now where I’m not worrying about school, I’m not floundering in debt with little to show for it, I’m not being held back by some guy who is broke or won’t fly (the fact that I may or may not be seeing someone is irrelevant. More on that another time). Their mom has offered over and over to let me stay with her.

I came to Edmonton with a personal understanding that I would stay for one year, minimum, to see how I like it. My job is only a temporary one (no benefits with expensive medication sucks), but it pays quite well. I can apply for a permanent position, but I’m not too worried about it. The job is scheduled to last until August of this year. Right around my 1 year trial period of this new city.

I mostly like it here, though my social circle is quite small. Being able to watch my nephew growing and learning is just so amazing, he is a joy and I’m so lucky to be able to share in the love that he radiates. We found out this weekend that he will be having a baby SISTER join him in the spring. I am paying down my debt faster than I thought I would, and I’ve narrowed down some grad school options.

I am feeling a push though. A push to explore more. I can apply for a youth mobility visa (free work/travel visa for those aged 18-35), to quite a few countries. I have started researching all I would need to do to obtain this, and it’s feasible. I haven’t yet talked to my aunt or my cousins, because I want to be sure it’s what I’m planning, but right now, I’m hoping to move to Germany for a year, this fall.

Fingers crossed I don’t chicken out. The biggest thing I’m worried about right now is money. Can I afford to get there, find any sort of job, travel, tour, support myself, then get home? There are these two men who are part of my genetic makeup who are aware of my struggles and have promised to help however they can, and an awesome aunt who has invited me many, many times.

I almost feel like I can’t pass this opportunity up.

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