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Archive for July, 2012

Hindsight

The Pirate and I had been having problems.

I was pretty depressed about work, what sort of career I should be working towards, my grandfather passing away at the end of June, an unsuccessful pregnancy last fall, whether or not to continue with my editing courses…

I realize now that I should have made an appointment with a counsellor a while ago, someone out of the picture who I could talk to. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 right?

He had been telling me for a while that he was unhappy and that we needed to make changes to stay together. Earlier in the week, we had had some really great email and text message exchanges explaining our feelings, and reconnecting. I’d bought a gym pass and was using it, I had started applying for other jobs (instead of waiting until September like I’d originally decided to do), I was deciding which course to take next, I had already started working on his birthday present for his 30th birthday in November.

Last Saturday, he didn’t bother talking to me at all, until I finally yelled up the stairs at him that if he gave me until October I would find another place to live. That evening, with a friend and his girlfriend over, after having several beers, he told me that he preferred hanging out with me as a friend over being together. His actual words were closer to “I’d rather just hang out with you” or something along those lines.

I went to bed and cried.

The next day, we again didn’t talk, and he went out around 6:00 that evening, and didn’t bother coming home. Sure, we’d “broken up” the night before, but a text just letting me know that he wouldn’t be home would have been nice, especially since I went to bed in our spare room so he could have the bed, since the night before he’d slept on the couch, and I wanted to be fair.

At 2:30 am, I woke up, and saw that he wasn’t home, and since I’m a worry wart, I started panicking that he was dead somewhere, so I shot off a text message to him saying “I guess since it’s 2:30 and you’re not coming home, I can move into the bed. I hope you’re not dead or already spending the night with another girl.” And I moved to the bed, to be woken by him coming home at 6:30 to get ready to go to work.

He’d gotten a hotel room with his ex for a night, because she missed the last train home, and he thought that would be better than having her stay on our couch.

Yes, technically, we were not together any more, but one night? One night, and he’s staying with another girl.

For someone who prides himself on being a nice guy, he sure knows how to make a break up even more painful and less amicable. He says nothing happened, and that them getting back together “isn’t even on the table”-at least, it wasn’t as of last Monday.

I honestly thought that we were partners, and that we were going to work things out. That we would work through our problems and my lowness and we would continue moving towards the future, the plans that we had already made.

I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

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+

1. I can move out of this city.
2. No more sharing the bed.
3. I can go near cats again.
4. Mom and Stepdad have a giant, comfy, bathtub.
5. I can read A Song of Ice and Fire.
6. No more leg-shaving.
7. Zombie movies.
8. Happy medium.
9. Cats. (I like cats, have I mentioned that?)
10. …Me?

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Done

I am a sobbing mess right now.

We’d been having problems the last little while, but I thought we were dealing with them. I thought the fact that we loved each other was enough.

Apparently I haven’t tried hard enough.

And he’s done.

And I’m shattered.

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unLove

The Princess and the Pirate are no more.

She could sail canoes on her tears.

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