Archive for the ‘breakup’ Category

Back to Me

Words haven’t wanted to come lately. Not here, not in my mind, not in any of my paper journals, not on my laptop. I am still trying to find a safe resting place.

Physically, I am safe. I am settled into a pretty comfortable routine with my amazing and loving roommates. I am working, although it’s not at a job I want permanently. It pays well, and while I’m technically part time, most weeks are closer to fulltime hours, though the randomness of shift work.

I think I have stopped losing weight. I’m down 10-15 pounds from my normal weight, but I’m trying to make myself eat. It’s only noticeable in my jeans, I think. My belt needs to be done up two notches tighter. I’m sleeping better, too.

Mentally, I’m starting to feel a lot better, but I still want to find a counsellor or depression support group. I have made a pretty concerted effort to not talk to the Pirate the last month or so. I messaged him for his birthday 3 weeks ago and haven’t spoken to him since. It’s hard. Harder than I thought it would be, but I know it’s what I need to do.

I still have horrifying moments of panic when I just feel utterly devastated that we are no longer together. Then I remember his hurtful words, and his hurtful actions, all while simultaneously professing that he is a nice guy. No, dude. Nice guys aren’t manipulative jerks who only look out for themselves. I’m trying to keep that thought to the fore when I feel the worst, when I just want my friend back.

I still feel like I’m searching for where I belong. I don’t think Edmonton is home, not where I want to settle, but I’m trying to make the most of it. My cost of living here is a lot less than it was in Vancouver, and I’m making more money. I’ve had a couple slips with money lately, like buying a fancier phone than I actually need when my last one died, but generally I think I’m doing pretty well. I have a little bit of money saved-not nearly as much as I’d like, but it’s a start. I have been making additional payments towards my debts, with a vague hope to be debt-free by the end of 2013. I am serious about traveling when my debt is paid off.

I have recovered a bit of my inherent girlness and am nervously looking forward to a hangout with a dude I have planned for when I’m in Vancouver visiting in two weeks. No plans to move back there at this point, and he knows that, so I think we’re both waiting to see what happens when we hang out. I am terrible about not worrying about things, so of course I’m probably making a bigger deal about it than I need to.

I would like to find my home. I would like to find a place I enjoy and stay put for longer than a year. For now, it’s Edmonton. I have committed to myself that I will give it a full year here before I leave. I am pretty sure that I want to live in the B.C. interior somewhere, but I have yet to commit to that.

In a lot of ways I’m still taking it one day at a time, but more and more days are tear-free. More and more days have giggles and a mind that seems clear of fog. Now I’m mostly only having bad moments and not bad days, weeks.

I’m finding my way back to me.


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From postsecret.com

I was hoping to see The Pirate Who is No Longer Mine one more time before I moved, as I had just a couple last things I wanted to talk to him about, but I didn’t. I’d seen him twice since we broke up-so twice in 6 weeks now. I sent him an email earlier this week, to provide myself with some more closure (it’s not working yet, by the by). I thought about posting the email here, with some edits, but I’m not comfortable sharing such a personal piece of correspondence, especially since it directly involves someone other than myself (sidebar, he hasn’t responded, thought we’ve exchanged a couple text messages and a couple chat messages via the online game that I’m still helping him alpha-test).

I explained that I don’t regret very much in my life, but how I treated him is one of the things I do regret-I don’t ever mention it here, but I spent many evenings either having a couple beer or smoking pot to dull the pain and the apathy and the angst that I had been feeling. I also explained that a lot of my problems communicating with him was due to my crippling self-hatred and the fear of scaring him away.

I am so, so glad to be out of Vancouver, but I’m also so incredibly sad to be starting this next chapter of my life without him. I’m trying to treat myself as someone dealing with grief, because that’s basically what it is. I am so scared of facing life without him; thinking about the next 30-60 years without him as my partner is heartbreaking and panic-inducing. And the thought of starting another relationship with anyone else makes me want to be sick.

I hope to one day stop feeling like this, and I certainly hope it’s sooner rather than later, because I’m exhausted.

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I safely arrived in Edmonton at about 9:15 Sunday morning, after an epic 17 hour drive that included running out of diesel in the middle of the night 8 km out from the last town, and no sleep.

It’s my 28th birthday on the 4th, and the friends (and 2 long dogs!) I’m living with are taken me camping for 2 nights, tonight and tomorrow night. 

I’m hoping more physical distance between me and The Pirate Who is No Longer Mine will help my healing process. Definitely being closer to my brothers and their girlfriends, my beautiful nephew, and my best friend and her husband, will help ease my heartache.

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I’ve been pretty upset lately, and not only that, I have been feeling very guilty. I know it’s inappropriate, but I hold myself nearly 100% responsible for the demise of my relationship and keep thinking “What if…” and “If only I had just…”

I can’t change the past, but hoo boy, do I wish I could.

I’m trying really hard to see this as an opportunity for myself. We’ve broken our lease, and I’m staying with my Mom and StepDad for now. I gave my notice at work. And I’m making preparations to move to Edmonton on Labour Day weekend (incidentally, this is also my birthday weekend).

I’ll be staying with my best friend and her husband (and two dogs, two skinny pigs, and hedgehog) for at least the first month, with visits at both my brothers’ houses. I’ve started looking for jobs.

I just never really expected to make the move out of this city without my Pirate, and that’s just adding a little bit extra to the heartache I’m already feeling.

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The Pirate and I had been having problems.

I was pretty depressed about work, what sort of career I should be working towards, my grandfather passing away at the end of June, an unsuccessful pregnancy last fall, whether or not to continue with my editing courses…

I realize now that I should have made an appointment with a counsellor a while ago, someone out of the picture who I could talk to. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 right?

He had been telling me for a while that he was unhappy and that we needed to make changes to stay together. Earlier in the week, we had had some really great email and text message exchanges explaining our feelings, and reconnecting. I’d bought a gym pass and was using it, I had started applying for other jobs (instead of waiting until September like I’d originally decided to do), I was deciding which course to take next, I had already started working on his birthday present for his 30th birthday in November.

Last Saturday, he didn’t bother talking to me at all, until I finally yelled up the stairs at him that if he gave me until October I would find another place to live. That evening, with a friend and his girlfriend over, after having several beers, he told me that he preferred hanging out with me as a friend over being together. His actual words were closer to “I’d rather just hang out with you” or something along those lines.

I went to bed and cried.

The next day, we again didn’t talk, and he went out around 6:00 that evening, and didn’t bother coming home. Sure, we’d “broken up” the night before, but a text just letting me know that he wouldn’t be home would have been nice, especially since I went to bed in our spare room so he could have the bed, since the night before he’d slept on the couch, and I wanted to be fair.

At 2:30 am, I woke up, and saw that he wasn’t home, and since I’m a worry wart, I started panicking that he was dead somewhere, so I shot off a text message to him saying “I guess since it’s 2:30 and you’re not coming home, I can move into the bed. I hope you’re not dead or already spending the night with another girl.” And I moved to the bed, to be woken by him coming home at 6:30 to get ready to go to work.

He’d gotten a hotel room with his ex for a night, because she missed the last train home, and he thought that would be better than having her stay on our couch.

Yes, technically, we were not together any more, but one night? One night, and he’s staying with another girl.

For someone who prides himself on being a nice guy, he sure knows how to make a break up even more painful and less amicable. He says nothing happened, and that them getting back together “isn’t even on the table”-at least, it wasn’t as of last Monday.

I honestly thought that we were partners, and that we were going to work things out. That we would work through our problems and my lowness and we would continue moving towards the future, the plans that we had already made.

I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

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I am a sobbing mess right now.

We’d been having problems the last little while, but I thought we were dealing with them. I thought the fact that we loved each other was enough.

Apparently I haven’t tried hard enough.

And he’s done.

And I’m shattered.

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The Princess and the Pirate are no more.

She could sail canoes on her tears.

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