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Back to Me

Words haven’t wanted to come lately. Not here, not in my mind, not in any of my paper journals, not on my laptop. I am still trying to find a safe resting place.

Physically, I am safe. I am settled into a pretty comfortable routine with my amazing and loving roommates. I am working, although it’s not at a job I want permanently. It pays well, and while I’m technically part time, most weeks are closer to fulltime hours, though the randomness of shift work.

I think I have stopped losing weight. I’m down 10-15 pounds from my normal weight, but I’m trying to make myself eat. It’s only noticeable in my jeans, I think. My belt needs to be done up two notches tighter. I’m sleeping better, too.

Mentally, I’m starting to feel a lot better, but I still want to find a counsellor or depression support group. I have made a pretty concerted effort to not talk to the Pirate the last month or so. I messaged him for his birthday 3 weeks ago and haven’t spoken to him since. It’s hard. Harder than I thought it would be, but I know it’s what I need to do.

I still have horrifying moments of panic when I just feel utterly devastated that we are no longer together. Then I remember his hurtful words, and his hurtful actions, all while simultaneously professing that he is a nice guy. No, dude. Nice guys aren’t manipulative jerks who only look out for themselves. I’m trying to keep that thought to the fore when I feel the worst, when I just want my friend back.

I still feel like I’m searching for where I belong. I don’t think Edmonton is home, not where I want to settle, but I’m trying to make the most of it. My cost of living here is a lot less than it was in Vancouver, and I’m making more money. I’ve had a couple slips with money lately, like buying a fancier phone than I actually need when my last one died, but generally I think I’m doing pretty well. I have a little bit of money saved-not nearly as much as I’d like, but it’s a start. I have been making additional payments towards my debts, with a vague hope to be debt-free by the end of 2013. I am serious about traveling when my debt is paid off.

I have recovered a bit of my inherent girlness and am nervously looking forward to a hangout with a dude I have planned for when I’m in Vancouver visiting in two weeks. No plans to move back there at this point, and he knows that, so I think we’re both waiting to see what happens when we hang out. I am terrible about not worrying about things, so of course I’m probably making a bigger deal about it than I need to.

I would like to find my home. I would like to find a place I enjoy and stay put for longer than a year. For now, it’s Edmonton. I have committed to myself that I will give it a full year here before I leave. I am pretty sure that I want to live in the B.C. interior somewhere, but I have yet to commit to that.

In a lot of ways I’m still taking it one day at a time, but more and more days are tear-free. More and more days have giggles and a mind that seems clear of fog. Now I’m mostly only having bad moments and not bad days, weeks.

I’m finding my way back to me.

November

November has historically been a bad month for me. Before I took down all my archives, I have several posts from Novembers over the years, all related to the sad that I experienced in November. I don’t think it’s seasonal, exactly, as more timing. November always meant projects at school were coming due, and there were constant reminders of Christmas, which is admittedly the “holiday” that I care for the least.

I’ve had a pretty bad last month, what with finding out the ex is back together with his previous ex, and that he didn’t bother to tell me (even though I straight up asked him to, and he agreed he would) until I found out through the powers of the internet (I hate you, internet) (you hurt me real bad, Pirate. So bad I’m reconsidering all the sweet words you said to me during our romantic relationship). I managed to help piss off a friend and former coworker in Vancouver. I’ve lost my appetite and while losing some weight was on my to-do list, losing it unsafely due to depression is not how I wanted to go about it. My netbook screen has been wiggly, warning me that something is happening to it. My phone has a cracked screen (which is luckily still working), the USB connection has to be propped just so to charge the phone or transfer files, and the power button is not responding properly (it’s also the phone-lock button). I bought a plane ticket to Vancouver for 4 days in December, only to find out the next day that I had had an unpaid cell phone bill from 2011 sent to collections (I don’t even know how that happened). My work screwed up and didn’t pay me last Tuesday, and the emergency cheque they were cutting for me wasn’t going to be ready until Friday–2 days after rent was due. There was a fire in my building that saw me and the roommate’s dogs evacuated for an hour and a half, and I didn’t have a winter jacket yet (the humans I live with were out for the evening).

There have been some positives in this last month as well, that I’m trying to actively focus on. Every day that I work, I say to myself over and over that today will be a good day, as I walk to the train.

So, the things I’m grateful and inspired by right now, in no particular order:

-putting over $1000 towards debt repayment in October
-consolidating some consumer debt with a lower interest rate earlier this year, and the delight I get watching it go down every time I make additional payments
-my trip to Vancouver in 5 weeks to see my mom and step-dad, my Turkey, and various other Vancouverites (and the plan to not see my ex while I’m there)
-nearly daily emails from another former coworker encouraging me to take some time for myself to heal and adjust to a new city, a new job, a new living situation, a new life plan
-the fact that this former coworker and I are friendly-flirting, reminding me that even though the ex said some extremely painful and disparaging remarks about my attractiveness and girlness, not every guy in the world feels the same way
-we have plans to have a beer when I’m visiting, and I’m really looking forward to his quirky sense of humour
-my acceptance into the editing certificate program (sadly, the class they suggest I take next is only offered in-class, in Vancouver right now, so I’ll have to complete them out of order)
-my hilarious roommates who have made me so welcome, give me hugs or tough love when needed, eat the slop I cook, bake for me, give me rides when needed, and don’t mind when l occasionally crawl into bed with them and their dogs to cuddle (it’s a pretty full bed and I do it as a joke)
-my amazingly beautiful, smart, hilarious nephew and the fact that he’s going to be a big brother in the spring. And that his Daddy is an amazing role model of a big brother
-banana pancakes
-learning how to sew with my new sewing machine
-that my work moved as quickly as they could to cut me an emergency paycheque and gave me a coffee gift card to apologize
-the ebooks a friend gave me for my Kobo before I moved out here
-my Daddy planning to visit some weekend this month
-my new life plan of paying off debt, saving as much as possible, and going travelling in two or so years (this depends on money though)
-plans to go see Frank Warren of PostSecret, tonight (with a friend of my roommate) (it was 80 bucks last time he was in Vancouver, 35 here is affordable for me!)
-the buses in Edmonton are all running wacky because of the snow, but I only need to catch a train to work and can walk to a grocery store
-walking a dachshund in ~6 inches if snow. He bounces like a bunny!

Whole Heart One Day

This sweet little boy and I have been hanging out a fair bit lately. His silliness and his happiness and his growing into his own person are such a joy to be around. He is an amazing, glowing ball of energy and love.

I have been going back and forth between doing well and doing terribly. I am still hurting so bad, so bad. I really don’t like how worthless and angry and hurt and used and just flat-out depressed I have been the last couple of months.  I just want the never ending heartache to ease. I feel like I’m just going through the motions every day, but I know that every day that passes, my heart heals a little. One day, I’m sure without realizing it, I will wake up, and I will have a whole heart again.

I’m Worth More

When my ex and I broke up, I asked him to have the courtesy to tell me himself when he started dating again.

I found out yesterday he’s been back with his ex for at least a month now. And he’s not who told me.

I wrote a huge post last night about how hurtful I found this, but instead of publishing it, I hit private. If you want to read, I’ll email it to you, but it’s not going to be public, at least for now.

He said he didn’t tell me because what if it didn’t work out, and I got upset for nothing? And that he didn’t see the difference between me finding out right away or later. He wanted to try to salvage what was left of our friendship.

The fact that he straight up told me he’d tell me is what burns.

I emailed my post to my best friend in Vancouver for her opinions and just because I needed to share. She very sweetly came out with some observations that seem pretty bang on to me.

This guy is a serial monogamist. In the 13 years that I’ve now known him, been friends with him, he’s only been single for a total of months. He goes from girl to girl, often almost immediately, or with very short periods of time between them. Hell, we started dating 3 days after he broke up with his ex, and if that wasn’t enough of a warning for me to protect my heart, I don’t know what is.

This also led her (and I) to the impression that he is unable to be alone. How can he develop as a person if he always has a girlfriend? She also mentioned that him going from his ex to me back to his ex seems to follow a pattern, and that his not telling me seemed to indicate he was holding out in case he needed a back up plan. A back up girlfriend. If things didn’t work with them, there was always the chance of trying to get back with me eventually.

I’m sick of hurting because of this guy. I feel like he’s been lying by omission. But you know what? Fuck that. I’m making my own life, my own happiness, and I’m not going to allow myself to pine for him anymore. If he can’t respect our many years of friendship by treating my heart with decency when I ask him to do one thing, tell me one thing, if he doesn’t have the spine to be honest with me, then I’m done wasting my time and my love and my mental health on someone like that.

I’m worth more than that.

Ki

About 6 years ago, my beautiful kitty-baby went to live with a family friend, as I couldn’t bring him with me when I went to university. At the time he was 13; now he was 19, blind, deaf, and arthritic. He was the friendliest little guy, and his adoptive Daddy (a good friend of my Mom’s) absolutely loved him and doted on him.

The week before I moved out to Edmonton, I went to visit both the human and the kitty. I asked the human (the nicest man in the world), to please not make any expensive, heroic measures to try to save Ki when he started hurting or his quality of life was deteriorating. He was very old for a kitty (we got him in 1993, when I was 9, still living in the Yukon), and we agreed that as long as he wasn’t suffering and still (mostly) able to make the litter box, he would just continue being spoiled rotten.

This morning, the kitty and the human were outside together, when the human went in to answer the phone. Within 15 seconds, he said, he heard a strange noise, and looked out to see that a neighbour’s dog had entered the yard, and had already killed my baby boy.

My 19 year old, blind, deaf, arthritic baby was killed IN HIS OWN YARD. 

This was not the first time this dog had injured a neighbourhood pet, but the owner’s had paid the vet bill and asked that they not be reported, as they stated it had never happened before. At least 5 cats have been killed by this dog, it has now come to light.

I am heartbroken. Heartbroken that my baby’s final moments were possibly scary for him. That he was not able to just go to sleep one day in the sunshine and not wake up. That my friend has had to deal with the brutal death of the kitty that was, in truth, his as well. And that he had to tell my Mom.

I am also heartbroken that this dog’s humans continued to let this dog off-leash, unsupervised, free to roam the neighbourhood. It was not this dog’s fault that he was not taught that cats were not prey, that his territory did NOT include other people’s yards. In the end. another family is going to lose their pet.

But you know what the bylaw inspector told my friend when he spoke to him after speaking with the dog’s owners? When the inspector asked the man to take his dog inside, the man told the inspector just to kick him out of the way.

That is not a human who deserves to be the caretaker of a dog.

And that breaks my heart as well.

Forget/Regret

Image

From postsecret.com

I was hoping to see The Pirate Who is No Longer Mine one more time before I moved, as I had just a couple last things I wanted to talk to him about, but I didn’t. I’d seen him twice since we broke up-so twice in 6 weeks now. I sent him an email earlier this week, to provide myself with some more closure (it’s not working yet, by the by). I thought about posting the email here, with some edits, but I’m not comfortable sharing such a personal piece of correspondence, especially since it directly involves someone other than myself (sidebar, he hasn’t responded, thought we’ve exchanged a couple text messages and a couple chat messages via the online game that I’m still helping him alpha-test).

I explained that I don’t regret very much in my life, but how I treated him is one of the things I do regret-I don’t ever mention it here, but I spent many evenings either having a couple beer or smoking pot to dull the pain and the apathy and the angst that I had been feeling. I also explained that a lot of my problems communicating with him was due to my crippling self-hatred and the fear of scaring him away.

I am so, so glad to be out of Vancouver, but I’m also so incredibly sad to be starting this next chapter of my life without him. I’m trying to treat myself as someone dealing with grief, because that’s basically what it is. I am so scared of facing life without him; thinking about the next 30-60 years without him as my partner is heartbreaking and panic-inducing. And the thought of starting another relationship with anyone else makes me want to be sick.

I hope to one day stop feeling like this, and I certainly hope it’s sooner rather than later, because I’m exhausted.

Importation

Sorry to anybody using a reader who was just inundated with a million posts.

I’ve imported all my old LiveJournal posts here, starting from all the way back in Feb 2002. That’s over ten years that I have been online journalling, on various platforms. However, due to depression issues, no archives from 2002-2011 are publicly available at this time.

Maybe one day.

After I go through them and clean them up and remove identifying info of other people…